Relung

9 Januari 2020

When will you call my name with your heavy and sleepy voice?
When will you stare at me with the eyes like I stare at you? 
When will you hug me without I ask first?
When will you kiss me like you kiss my forehead the night after I cried a lot in front of you?
When will you rub my hand again? The simplest love language I like most.

You rubbed my feet that night, remember? To make sure that I wasn’t freezing when I sat behind you on your motorbike

I know you have that “love” for me. The same love I have for you. Similar with love you gave to her, her, and her.
I think about you every night before I sleep. Think about how was your day, are you tired, how’s your feeling, how was your work.
And every night I count how many days since after we have our last conversation. Sometimes I cry for you for no reason like when I’m writing this note.

I look at your photograph when I miss you. Then I close my eyes, imagining, remembering every inches of you body. The shapes, textures, smells, everything. Everything are saved safely inside my head.

I still don’t know how will be my life without you. Everytime I imagining it, tears just comes out. I know thinking about future will only torture my self so I start to breathe deeply. But I’m ready, whatever our path are in the future.

I wish I could send this note like I used to. But now I do not have any braveness. Maybe I’ll back to silent again. Until you raise your voice calling me. Or maybe we’ll in silent in forever.

Ra, I miss you.